This Is How It Goes
by Radnore
Summary: "I need you to write me a note that says I have this psychological disorder that makes me painfully evacuate all the contents of my bowels whenever I make a speech." A story about Mike and Matt. No slash.
1. Mosbyed

There's not enough screen time given to Mike and Matt, this is my attempt to rectify that. It'll be a ongoing story, it starts before Matt and Mike join the glee club. Read and review, constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. Also, in case you didn't know, Siobhan is pronounced sha-vaughn, or at least that's how I pronounce it.

Glee is the property of, whoever happens to own it, I own nothing.

* * *

"OK, remember the party on Saturday?" Mike Chang asked as he and Matt Rutherford navigated their way through the crowded halls of McKinley High. "Since you Mosbyed that poor girl before she even had a chance to blink, I have, for both your sake and for the sake of girls everywhere, prepared a list of pre-approved conversation topics for you."

Mike handed a piece of paper to his friend. Matt quickly glanced over the page before giving Mike a confused look.

"There's nothing written here," Matt said.

"Exactly," Mike said matter-of-factly.

"Oh come on," Matt said, "I wasn't that bad, was I?"

Mike raised an eyebrow, his trademarked "are you serious?" look.

ooooo

_"Look over there," Matt said, pointing towards the pool._

_ Mike turned his attention to where his friend was pointing. Standing by herself was the hottest girl Mike had seen in a long time. Flawless red hair that was only existed in shampoo commercials fell past her shoulders, slender fingers were wrapped around a Cruiser bottle and, most noticeable of all, her smoking hot body was clad in a skimpy miniskirt and tube top combo.  
_

_ "I'm going to go talk to her," Matt said confidently._

_ Mike raised his eyebrows in amusement, this was something he had to see. Matt sauntered towards the girl, his drink in hand. Mike wanted to follow, but he doubted Matt would want him hovering over his shoulder when he was trying to pick up. Mike quickly scanned the area for a good place to hide, he spotted a tree a few meters away from where the girl was standing, a perfect vantage point to listen in on the conversation while staying hidden. Mike strode towards the tree as fast as he could without raising suspicion, Matt had already started the conversation, if he didn't hurry he would miss Matt making a fool of himself._

_ Mike quickly got into position behind the tree, just in time too, Matt had already introduced himself, and the girl had followed suit; her name was Siobhan. Mike slowly tilted his head past the tree trunk so he could see what was going on, he could see Matt swaying ever so slightly, the alcohol he drank before was finally starting to take effect._

_ "Oh, that's a beautiful name."_

_ "Thanks."_

_ "So, have you ever been in love?"_

ooooo_  
_

"Did I really say that?" Matt asked.

Mike nodded.

"That wasn't the worst part," Mike said as he opened his locker. "After asking her if she had ever been in love you immediately decided to proclaimed your love for her and tried to propose."

Matt's jaw dropped, he let out some incoherent choking sounds before he managed to pull himself together.

"W-was that all?" Matt asked.

"You almost burst into tears when she declined."

Mike didn't think the human jaw could drop any further, he was wrong.

"Now do you see why I decided to make those pre-approved conversation topics?"

Mike half expected Matt to just continue to stare at him with his mouth hanging open, but to his credit Matt shut his mouth and nodded.

"Anyway," Mike said as he reached into the back of his locker to heave out the ridiculously thick Biology textbook. "There's a bright side to this."

Matt gave Mike a skeptical look.

"No one else knows about what happened apart from the two of us and that Siobhan chick, and I don't think she goes to this school."

Matt visibly perked up at that piece of news, if word had gotten out he would have received an endless storm of ridicule from the other jocks. Mike smiled, glad to see that his friend had gotten over the aftermath of the incident, however, he couldn't resist the chance to needle his best friend a little more.

"But remember," Mike said with a devilish grin, "I will _never_ let you live this down."

"Oh gee, thanks," Matt said sarcastically.

"What are friends for?" Mike asked as he bolted his locker once more. "Anyway, see you at football practice, and don't forget the pre-approved conversation topics."

"Dude, trust me, I won't."

Mike chuckled, he doubted Matt would remember.

* * *

Too bad I didn't think to give my friend those pre-approved conversation topics when he decided to ask a random girl if she had ever been in love.


	2. Pain Is Just Weakness Leaving the Body

Sorry for the late update (hey that rhymes), but the life-sphere is rather demanding. If you try to deny the life-sphere _anything_, it will promptly proceed to beat the living crap out of you (amongst other things) until finally (after much pain and humiliation I might add) you give in to its wholly unreasonable demands. Anyway, not much happening in this chapter, just some more interaction between Mike and Matt, hope you like my characterisation of the two of them. Read and review constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.

Glee is the property of someone else.

* * *

Matt kept a watchful eye on the limping Mike Chang as the they made their way to the school parking lot. During football practice most, if not all of the tackles, kicks and headbutts had been focused entirely on Mike,

"How you feeling?" Matt asked.

"I'll live," Mike said as he rubbed his sides gingerly.

"You sure?" Matt asked, "I mean Finn headbutted you in the balls more than once, you should really see a doctor or something."

"I was wearing a cup," Mike replied, giving Matt a thumb's up to emphasise his point. "I'll be fine."

"If you're sure..."

Matt decided that it was probably better to drop the subject, Mike wasn't coughing up blood so he was probably going to be OK, though he seriously doubted the prospects of Mike having kids in the future.

The two of them continued their walk in silence, which Matt found somewhat disconcerting. Utter silence combined with an empty school reminded Matt of those teenage slasher movies and it was usually around this time that the psycho killer decides to show themselves so they can eviscerate the sexy teenagers. Even though "sexy" wasn't the word that Matt would use to describe either Mike or himself, it still didn't change the fact that he half expected Jason Vorhees to jump out from around the corner and kill them both.

Matt immediately started to focus on sunshine, puppies and rainbows to try to take his mind off psycho killers. As he was trying to picture an idyllic scene full of bright colours and singing puppies, he noticed Mike staring intently at the noticeboard.

"What are you looking at?" Matt asked, peering over Mike's shoulder.

Mike turned around and said, "Just seeing if there's anything important on there."

"Is there?"

Mike shook his head.

"OK," Matt said.

Suddenly, for an unknown reason, Matt was stricken by a strange urge to race to his car.

"Dude, race you to my car."

"Why?"

"I dunno, because we can?"

"Dude, I'm in no position to race."

"Pain is just weakness leaving the body," Matt said, putting on his best drill sergeant impression. "So if you don't race, you are an idiot and you hate America."

Without any warning Matt broke into a sprint and was halfway down the corridor before Mike even had a chance to react.

ooooo

"I win," Matt proclaimed triumphantly when Mike finally arrived.

Mike raised an eyebrow and said, "Yeah, not much of an accomplishment, winning a race against an injured guy."

"You're just jealous that you didn't win."

Mike responded by promptly raising his middle finger at him.

"You're jealous," Matt repeated with a smirk. "Anyway, you ready for some zombie killing action?"

"Dude," Mike said, "you sprinted all the way here, how are you not puffed?"

"I'm like the Terminator," Matt said brightly as he pulled his keys by the disco ball key chain (he couldn't resist, he just had to have one) out of his pocket. "Except I run a lot, instead of, you know, killing people."

Matt picked picked out the key to his car amongst all of his other keys, some of which belonged to locks that no longer existed and unlocked the driver's side door. Getting on his hands and knees Matt crawled over to the other passenger side and lifted the protruding knob before sitting back down and starting his car. While he waited for Mike to sit down Matt reached forwards and switched on the radio

"What are you in the mood for?" Matt asked as he scrolled through the channels.

"Anything," Mike said as he struggled with the seatbelt, the one on the passenger side had a habit of jamming and refusing to budge.

"Don't hurt yourself."

Matt quickly flipped through the various radio stations, trying to find a good song. He recognised most of the song snippets that was being played while scrolling through the stations, _Icky Thump_, _Feel Good Inc._ and _The Rock Show_ amongst others. Matt eventually decided to stop at a random station, Matt didn't recognise the song that was just finishing, however, the song that started immediately afterwards Matt knew very well.

"Fuck yeah!" Matt exclaimed enthusiastically as he pulled out of his parking spot. "Breaking Benjamin."

_ If I had to_

_ I would put myself right beside you_

_ So let me ask_

_ Would you like that?_

_ Would you like that?_

"Come on," Matt said, elbowing Mike in the side in an attempt to get Mike to join him.

Mike shrugged and after taking a deep breath he started to belt out the lyrics at the top of his lungs with Matt.

_And I don't mind_

_ If you say this love is the last time_

_ So now I'll ask_

_ Do you like that?_

_ Do you like that?_

_ No!_

Matt raised his eyebrows in surprise, he didn't know Mike could produce such a guttural roar.

_Something's getting in the way._

_ Something's just about to break._

_ I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane._

_ So tell me how it should be._

_Try to find out what makes you tick._

_ As I lie down_

_ Sore and sick._

_ Do you like that?_

_ Do you like that?_

People driving by gave the two of them odd looks, but Matt couldn't care less, and from the way Mike continued to sing with him, neither did he.

_There's a fine line between love and hate._

_ And I don't mind._

_ Just let me say that_

_ I like that_

_ I like that_

_Something's getting in the way._

_ Something's just about to break._

_ I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane._

_ As I burn another page,_

_ As I look the other way._

_ I still try to find my place in the diary of Jane._

_ So tell me how it should be._

Matt decided to stop singing and Mike quickly followed suit, Matt guessed he was also out of breath. The two of them sat in silence, listening to the rest of the song while waiting for their breath to come back.

"That was some growl," Matt said, once his breathing had become regular. "You should try out for a death metal band or something."

"Somehow, I just can't picture it," Mike replied.

The traffic light turned red and Matt slowed to a halt.

"_You_," Matt pointed at Mike to emphasise the word. "Have no imagination, you know that?"

"Whatever," Mike said dismissively. "The light changed by the way."

Matt looked up and indeed the light had changed. Releasing his foot from the brake, Matt made a gentle right turn into his street. Nothing was said as the two of them passed the generic, two storey houses that looked like they were mass produced in a factory in China.

The fact that the houses all looked so similar never bothered Matt until recently. Now, it felt like all the similar-looking houses were preparing him of a life of conformation and sameness. Matt really regretted watching _Edward Scissorhands_.

Matt came to a halt by the curb outside his house, killed the engine and said, "Are you ready to go kill some zombies?"

"They're not zombies, they're humans infected with a rabies-like pathogen," Mike said as he opened his door.

"Dude who cares?" Matt asked as he followed suit.

"I do," Mike replied.

"And that's why you'll never get laid," Matt replied as he pushed down the knob and slammed the car door shut. "Could you lock it?"

Mike, after locking the door, proceeded to flip Matt off once more.

* * *

I don't know if cars that required you to lock and unlock each door manually even existed. Anyway, try to spot all the references here, of course you don't have to if you don't want to.


	3. I'd Bing That

Hello again. I've updated as you can see. Not much else to say. I was sad that no one caught the Team Fortress 2 reference in the last chapter. Ah well. Anyway, big thanks to my beta, The Imperfectionist.

Consider this disclaimed.

* * *

_Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it_

_ No one wants to be defeated_

_ Showin' how funky strong is your fight_

_ It doesn't matter who's wrong or right_

_ Just beat it, beat it_

_ Just beat it, beat it_

_ Just beat it, beat it_

_ Just beat it, beat it_

Mike walked down the corridors snapping his fingers to the beat with one hand, balancing two caramel lattes in a cup carrier with the other. He wanted to break out in dance but the lattes he was holding prevented any sudden movements. He approached Matt's locker, expecting him to be there, but his friend was nowhere to be seen.

"Odd."

Mike wondered where his friend was. It was almost impossible for Matt to function without his morning coffee, and yet, his friend wasn't here to snatch it from his hands like he usually was.

"Man, that was fucking awesome!"

Mike yanked his headphones out of his ears and turned around to see Puck and his cronies high-fiving each other. Mike's eyebrows rose even higher. Suddenly it was all making sense. Standing alongside the usual suspects was Matt, who was receiving his share of high-fives and fist bumps.

"I got to get ready for English, I'll see you guys around," Matt said as he gave Puck one last fist-bump.

"See you around, Rutherford," Puck replied. "You gotta join us next time we throw that fag into the dumpster, Chang."

"Yeah, totally," Mike said with a hint of sarcasm, which was lost on all the other jocks.

Puck clapped Mike on the back before he and his cronies went off to torture another poor soul.

"So…" Mike began.

The smile Matt was wearing immediately fell.

"Jesus," Matt groaned as he ran his hands over his face.

"Latte?" Mike offered, holding out the cup carrier.

Matt snatched up one of the coffee cups and took three giant gulps.

"You know, it is said that the secret to a good latte is the temperature of the steamed milk. Apparently it has to be scalding," Mike said as he watched Matt down the latte. "You're lucky I disagree."

Mike picked up the remaining cup and took a sip.

"So I'm guessing you threw Kurt Hummel in the dumpster just then?" Mike asked as he slid the cup carrier on top of the lockers.

Matt nodded, before finishing the last of his coffee and placing the empty cup on top of the lockers as well.

The two of them remained silent. Despite the fact that they had taken part in the torture of the social misfits more often than either of them would like to admit, neither Mike nor Matt knew what to say to each other afterwards. Mike took another sip of his latte and decided to change the topic.

"You've heard about that new search engine Microsoft brought out?"

"Bing?" Matt asked as he dialled in his locked combination.

"Yeah, '_Bing_'," Mike said, using air quotation marks to emphasise the word. "I only just realised how similar it sounds to the word 'bang', "

Mike caught a group of Cheerios walking down the corridor, their hips swaying side to side.

"I'd bing that," Mike said once they were out of earshot.

Matt leaned back so he could get a better look at the swaying rear ends of the Cheerios.

"I'd bing that as well," Matt replied with a smile.

Mike clapped Matt on the back.

"Good to see you're smiling again," Mike said cheerfully. "Anyway, I've got to get to class. I'll see you at lunch."

"See you," Matt replied. "Thanks for the latte."

"No worries."

Mike plugged his headphones back in before making his way to the science labs.

ooooo

The bell rang just as Mike walked into the classroom. He quickly downed the last of his coffee before tossing the empty cup into the trash can beside the door. He spotted Finn sitting in his usual corner staring at the sky intently.

"Hey, Finn," Mike said cheerfully as he switched off his iPod and stuffed the device into his pocket.

"Hey, Mike," Finn replied, not taking his eyes off the sky.

"What's so fascinating up there?" Mike asked as sat down in the chair next to Finn.

"There's a cloud up there that looks like a donkey," Finn tilted his head slightly, "now it kinda looks like bird of some sort."

Mike scanned the skyline, but all he saw was a mass of fluffy white stuff. He was never able to see anything in the clouds. They always looked like masses of cotton clumped together, no matter how hard he stared. His sister said that it was because Mike had no imagination whatsoever. He agreed with her.

Mike decided to leave Finn to his cloud watching. He looked like he was enjoying himself and Mike didn't want to ruin it with his inability to imagine.

Reaching for his bag, Mike pulled out his notebook and dropped it on the table. He slowly flipped to a blank page, glancing over the things were in the book. Most of the pages were filled with random doodles of two stick figures engaging in an epic sword fight (he noticed that the swords got progressively bigger as he went further into the book). Finding a blank page, Mike reached for the pen he usually had in his pocket and just as he was about to put it to paper, their balding science teacher came rushing through the door.

"Sorry I'm late, class," Mr. Way said as he sat down at the front desk. "Alright, today you'll be getting your assignments. You'll be in randomly grouped into pairs and you and your partner will be creating a scientific experiment based on the topic we're studying right now."

Finn tore his eyes from the sky and raised his hand.

"Yes, Mr. Hudson."

"What's the topic again?"

"Catalysts."

"Uh…"

"Don't worry, your partner will explain it to you later," Mr. Way said as he reached for his briefcase. "That is, if luck is on your side and you get a partner that has actually been listening in class," Mr. Way added with a smile.

Mr. Way opened his briefcase and pulled out a tattered, worn out beanie.

"Now, I have put all your names into this beanie, please wait until I have called out all your names before getting into your pairs."

Mr. Way reached into the beanie and pulled out the first name.

"Mr. Haque." The bespectacled Muslim exchange student looked up. "Aaaaaand," he pulled out the second name, "Mr. King."

Mike let out a huge yawn. Whenever Mr. Way started talking Mike's first reaction is to zone out. He couldn't help it. He picked up his pen once more and started to draw his favourite subject matter: robots.

"Pew, pew!" Mike whispered as he drew his robot in the midst of a climactic gunfight with the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

A swift elbow to the gut brought Mike back to reality.

"Ow!" Mike shot Finn a dirty look. "Why did you do that?"

"Because," Mr. Way said, "I just announced who you would be working with."

"Oh, right," Mike replied sheepishly. "So, who am I working with?"

"Me!" Brittany announced excitedly from the other side of the room.

Mike groaned mentally. He held no malice towards Brittany personally, but when someone is often called "the place where intelligence goes to take heroin and then get run over by a bus", one can't help but wish for another partner. Mr. Way told the class to get into their pairs. Mike dragged himself to his feet, bumped Finn's fist before moving to sit next to Brittany.

"Soooo…" Mike said as he slumped into the heavily graffitied chair. "Got any ideas for the assignment?"

Brittany shook her head.

"Yeah, thought as much," Mike muttered under his breath.

The two of them sat in total silence when suddenly Brittany spoke up.

"Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks?"

"Uh…" Mike said, unsure of what to make of Brittany's sudden comment. "How do you know this?"

"I went to the zoo on the weekend," Brittany replied, "I saw one of the boy dolphins giving strange looks to a boy shark."

Mike couldn't help himself, he burst out in laughter.

"I'm really sorry for laughing" Mike choked out when the laughter finally subsided. "But, God, the world you live in must be amazing, I'd love to live there, even if it was only for a few moments."

"But we, like, live in the same world, don't we?" Brittany asked uncertainly. "Unless you're part of a memory of a world that, like, died, but is still being kept alive by a sleeping whale." Brittany furrowed her brow, she was no doubt trying to figure out what the sleeping whale would look like. "I think the sleeping whale should have wings."

"Would you have to play a special song to wake the whale up?" Mike suggested, his smile growing wider. "With eight instruments made from sea shells?"

Brittany's face lit up.

"That would be _so_ cool."

Mike laughed at the blonde's reaction. For the rest of the lesson the two of them discussed all things related to the sleeping whale. Brittany suggested they name the whale Fred because apparently she liked that name. She had wanted to name her cat Fred, but her sister had put her foot down and said no. That elicited an incredibly adorable pout from Brittany.

At one point Mike suggested suggested that the whale should eat dreams that haven't found a head to live in yet. Brittany was horrified at the idea of dreams not having a place to live and she vowed to have at least five dreams a night from that point onwards.

The bell rang, effectively ending their conversation.

"Oh, bother," Mike said, looking up at the clock. "Well it's was fun chatting with you Brittany, but I have to go to English. Mr. Francois hates it when his students are late."

Brittany giggled.

"Did anyone ever tell you that you sound like you're from England when you say 'bother'?" she asked.

"Really?" Mike asked as he gathered his books. "I've never noticed, but seriously, Mr. Francois will throw a hissy fit if I'm not there on time, so I have to go now."

"Bye, Mike," Brittany said, giving Mike a cheerful wave goodbye.

"Catch you later, Brittany."

Mike slung his bag over his shoulder and walked out of the science labs.

ooooo

Mike slowly made his way through the halls to the cafeteria to meet up with Matt. Mike was, for once, not listening to his iPod. Instead, Mike he was deep in thought about the assignments he now had. In addition to the one given to him in science, he also had an English assignment that was given to him just fifteen minutes ago. Along with the two assignments he received today, Mike also had social studies assignment due in a week. It was the social studies assignment that really worried Mike, he barely understood half the stuff that came out of Mr. Cordiner's mouth, so he had no idea how he was going to write an entire essay.

Mike was so engrossed in his own thoughts that the entire world was invisible to him, so bumping into someone was almost certain.

"Oof"

Mike let out an apology before trying to find who had run into him. Standing before him was Rachel Berry, with what looked like a raspberry slushie dripping from her face. Rachel eyed Mike warily, it was almost as if she expected Mike to pull another slushie from behind his back and throw it at her.

"Uhh…" Mike said, he was completely clueless about what he was supposed to say in this situation.

Rachel wiped away the rather large chunk of ice that was sliding down to her eye before looking Mike square in the eyes.

"If you aren't going to throw another slushie at me then could you please let me pass so that I may tidy myself up?" Rachel said with more conviction than Mike could have ever hoped to have mustered if he were in the same position.

Mike stood there for a moment, mouth hanging open, unsure of how to react to Rachel's statement.

"Uh, sure," Mike he said, stepping aside so Rachel could get past.

Rachel raised her eyebrows in disbelief. Mike couldn't tell if it was because she was surprised that her gambit actually worked, or that there were actually jocks in the school that didn't live to make her life a living hell. Mike hoped it wasn't the latter.

Needing no further incentive, Rachel immediately made haste towards the girl's bathroom to clean herself up.

Mike continued to stare at Rachel as she walked down the halls. Mike's only contact with the girl was occasionally throwing a slushie at her in order to keep up appearances, something which he absolutely and utterly despised doing. But in under a minute, she had shown a side of her that Mike never knew existed, and he was impressed.

At that moment, Mike's stomach gave a loud rumble, reminding him of where he should be at that moment in time. Mike turned around and continued his walk to the cafeteria. As he was walking, it occurred to Mike that Rachel was covered in slushie when the two of them collided.

"Oh, shit."

The shirt was Armani and it had cost him nearly six month's wages.

ooooo

"About time," Matt said, spraying pieces of honey chicken onto Mike's shirt.

"Dude, watch it, the shirt's Armani, and I only just cleaned the slushie stain out of it," Mike said as he brushed off the chunks Matt had sprayed all over him.

Matt took a huge gulp, forcing everything in down his throat.

"Sorry," Matt said, "but- oh, before I forget," Matt held up his plastic Tupperware container, "want some?"

Mike shook his head.

"So how did you get a slushie stain on your precious Armani shirt?" Matt asked as before he took another bite out of the piece of chicken.

"Ran into Rachel Berry a little while ago. She'd been slushied beforehand," Mike said plainly as he unzipped his bag and pulled his lunchbox out.

"That sucks," Matt said before he stripped the last of the meat off the drumstick.

"Yeah," Mike said plainly as he opened his lunchbox.

The two of them said nothing. Whenever the two of them started to talk about such topics, the conversation had a habit of dying rather suddenly.

"Oh, did you hear?" Matt asked as he placed the gnawed drumstick on a napkin that had been placed neatly next to his Tupperware container.

"Hear what?" Mike asked, picking up one of his meticulously constructed sandwiches as he talked.

"Apparently, Mr. Ryerson has been fired because he was touching Hank Saunders."

"Who's Mr. Ryerson? Who's Hank Saunders?" Mike asked before he carefully unwrapped a corner of his sandwich and took bite.

"Ryerson is the head of glee," Matt picked up a spare napkin and wiped his fingers and mouth. "Hank Saunders was a kid in glee."

"Oh, right." Mike took another bite of his sandwich when the implications of Matt's words suddenly dawned on him. "Wait, seriously?" Mike asked in disbelief.

"Who knows?" Matt said as he reached for his last piece of honey chicken. "It's just a rumour, however, I haven't seen Ryerson around, so I'm guessing it's true."

Just as Matt was about to take a bite out of the drumstick Puck and his two flunkies Azimio and Karofsky burst into the cafeteria, laughing and high-fiving each other.

"You sure got Berry good with that last one, Puck," Karofsky snickered.

Mike raised an eyebrow. So it was Puck who had slushied Rachel. Mike made a mental note, not that he was going to do anything about it.

The three of them spotted Mike and Matt sitting by themselves and immediately made a beeline towards them. Mike exchanged glances with Matt. There was a good chance that their lunches would be gone in under thirty seconds now.

"Hey guys," Puck said as the three of them sat down.

"Oh, thanks man," Karofsky said as he reached forward and snatched the drumstick out of Matt's hand.

"No worries," Matt replied, the venom practically dripping off his words, but it went unnoticed by Karofsky.

"Man, this shit is good," Karosky said between bites.

"Thanks, I made it myself," Matt replied, his words still venomous.

"Really?" Puck asked, "that's kinda gay."

"You know," Mike said as he watched Azimio reach forwards to grab one of his sandwiches. "Chicks really dig a dude who can cook, it's like the ultimate turn on."

"You don't mind do you, Chang?" Azimio asked, but by the time he had asked the sandwich was already in his hands.

"No, of course not," Mike replied, adopting the same venomous tone Matt had used moments before.

"Thanks, man," Azimio took a bite, "so what were you saying about chicks getting turned on by a guy that can cook?"

"Oh yeah, chicks love it when you can cook, I mean, it's like an aphrodisiac or some shit like that," Mike said as he closed his lunchbox, he was getting out of here before his lunch completely disappeared. "Anyway, I'm afraid Matt and I can't stay, we both have a science assignment we have to finish."

"Science experiment, yeah," Matt repeated.

With that, the two of them packed up their things and left their teammates to eat their lunches.

* * *

What do you think? Read and review. Or not, it's all up to you.


	4. Yeah, That Looks Pretty Good

I've updated. Sorry it took so long. School's been kicking my ass for the past few weeks and I only recently have I had time to write.

So, what's happened since I last updated?

Matt has left.

When I found out that Matt had left the show, I did that thing in the movies, where you've got a downwards shot of the character and they're screaming "NOOOOOOO!" at the top of their lungs. Why? I mean, he had so much untapped potential as a character. He could have been a closet Trekkie, or an IT genius, or the next Jamie Oliver.

Mike and Tina hooked up.

I'm neutral to this. I was neither for it, nor against it. Maybe the writers will surprise us and take this somewhere unexpected.

Mike sang something.

That was freakin' hilarious. It was also very awesome.

Anyway, enough of my ramblings. Time for you to read the next chapter. As always, a big thank you to my beta, The Imperfectionist. That woman is a godsend.

I encourage you to review. Send me your thoughts on the story, where you think it might go and so forth. Who knows? Perhaps you'll be responsible for changing the direction of this story entirely. But you'll never know unless you review. Or just leave a review telling me that you like it, it always does an author good to hear that people like their work.

Consider this disclaimed.

* * *

_"Kiss me, Matthew Rutherford…"_

ooooo_  
_

An incredibly loud yell echoed throughout the house, abruptly ending Matt's dream. He scowled. Of course his brothers had to wake him up just as he was about to kiss Summer Glau.

Matt let out a huge yawn before reaching for his phone on his bedside table to check the time. He slid the screen up. It was nine o'clock. Matt scowled once more. Not only did his brothers wake him up just as he was about to kiss Summer, but they woke him up at an hour that could only be described as "fucking ungodly".

Matt let out another yawn before pulling away the covers and slowly getting to his feet. He made his way to the cupboard to pick out his outfit for the day. He opened the shutter doors and pulled out his favourite Gorillaz shirt. As he was putting it on, Matt heard his mother calling out from downstairs.

"Matt, could you watch your brothers for a couple of hours?"

Matt dropped the pair of jeans he was holding. Those eight words filled him with more terror than a Korean horror movie marathon. Micah and Nathaniel were two of the most sadistic kids Matt had ever had the misfortune of knowing. He had lost count of the times they had put itching powder in his underwear, placed live cockroaches onto his face while he was sleeping and, worst of all, switched his basil with tree leaves from the back yard (numerous pestos had been ruined because of that)

His brothers were so evil, in fact, that Matt was sure that his mother was impregnated by Satan at one point. That was the only explanation for the concentrated malevolence that were his twin brothers. Matt decided the only thing for him to do was to run for his life. He quickly yanked off his pyjama bottoms and reached for the pair of cargo pants that were suspended from one of the coat hangers. He tried to get them on as quickly as possible, hopping around like a maniac as he did so.

"Matt?" his mother called out once again. "You awake?"

Matt scrambled around on his hands and knees, trying to find the belt that he had thrown on the floor last night.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Matt muttered, "where is it?"

He spotted his belt under his bed. Matt pulled it out and looped it around his waist as fast as he could.

"Matt?" He could hear his mother coming up the stairs now. Matt scrambled to his feet one more and yanked open his dresser. He grabbed a pair of odd socks and pulled them onto his feet. Now he only needed his shoes. He spotted a pair of old sneakers in the corner of his room. Scooping them up from the floor, Matt put them on as fast as he could.

He could now hear his mother approaching his bedroom.

Not bothering to tie his shoelaces, Matt ran to his window. Even though he had done this before, he still got a little nervous when he did this. He took a deep breath. It was time to nut up or shut up. Matt took a few steps back and leaped out of his second story window.

"Matt?" he heard his mother say a split second after he leaped out the window.

ooooo

Matt was lying down in the park, panting heavily. After jumping out of his window, Matt had vaulted over several fences before he found himself on the main road. He then bolted down the road, refusing to stop until he was at least a block away from his house.

After much puffing and panting, Matt's breath finally returned to him. He picked himself up off the ground and dusted the grass that was clinging to the seat of his pants. Matt had managed to get out of babysitting, but now had to figure out what he was going to do with his spare time.

"Hey, dude, what are you doing here?"

Matt turned around to see Mike approaching him, dressed in track pants and an old Metallica t-shirt.

"Holy crap, dude," Matt said in disbelief. "Are you wearing track pants?"

"Maybe," Mike said, "but they're Armani."

Matt raised his eyebrows in surprise. He knew Mike refused to wear anything other than designer clothing, but he didn't know it extended to things as mundane as tracksuit pants.

"Really?"

"No," Mike said with a roll of his eyes, "I bought these down at the thrift store for five bucks."

Matt's eyebrows rose even higher. Normally Mike refused to let anything that wasn't at least from a high end department store touch his skin. There was only one logical explanation: the apocalypse had come.

"Has the world ended or something?" Matt asked, holding his hand out to catch the blood that would be raining down from the skies at any moment.

"Ha, ha," Mike said sarcastically. "But you still haven't answered my question. What are you doing here?"

"Oh, nothing. Mom asked me to babysit Micah and Nathaniel," Matt said nonchalantly. "So I did the only logical thing. I jumped out of my window and ran like my life depended on it."

Mike chuckled.

"The only logical thing?" Mike repeated.

Matt nodded.

"So what are you going to do now?" Mike asked. "I take it you can't go back home for a while."

"Yeah, I don't know," Matt said sheepishly. "That's what I was trying to figure out before you came along."

Mike chuckled once more.

"You wanna head back to my place and play _Brawl_?" Mike asked.

"I'd love to," Matt replied.

ooooo

"So why are you trying so hard to avoid your brothers?" Mike asked as he flailed his arms about, trying to make Mario the Smash Ball before Matt got to it.

"I just explained why," Matt replied as he sent Mario flying with a well timed sword slash from Link.

"They can't be that bad," Mike said as he tried to reclaim the Smash Ball.

Matt turned to Mike in the eye. It was his turn to use Mike's trademark "are you serious?" look.

ooooo

_ Matt struggled against the ropes that were tied around his arms and legs. The three of them had been playing cops and robbers and he had been the robber. The two of them had chased him down into the basement where Matt thought the game would end, but apparently his brothers had other ideas. Micah had thrown a well aimed tennis ball at Matt's groin, which sent him to the ground, spurting a mouthful of obscenities that would have made George Carlin blush. Micah and Nate then_ _managed to bind and gag Matt before he had a chance to register what was going on. Matt looked down at the rather neat knots his brothers had tied. He knew nothing good would ever come out of Scouts._

ooooo_  
_

"Wait," Mike said, pausing the game so he could look Matt in the eye. "How long did they leave you down there?"

"An hour," Matt said rather plainly. "Thankfully Dad found me, or else I would have been down there all night."

"Seriously?"

Matt nodded.

"Wow, you weren't exaggerating."

"Yeah."

Mike's front door suddenly burst open.

"Anyone home?" a female voice called out.

"In here," Mike called back.

A gaunt looking Asian girl strode into the lounge room wearing a t-shirt that had the phrase _Unrequited Love is for Chumps _printed on it. Ellen Chang shot the two boys a quick smile before she made her way into the kitchen.

"Hey, Elle," Mike said as he un-paused the game.

"What's up?" Elle said as she raided the fridge for anything edible.

Matt's attention was immediately drawn to Elle's rear end as she bent over to see if there was anything in the back of the fridge that she could eat.

"_Dude_!" Mike said, slapping Matt on the shoulder.

"Sorry," Matt responded sheepishly.

"We got any food here?" Elle called out, not removing her head from the back of the fridge.

"What did you blow all your cash on this time?" Mike asked in an amused tone.

Elle removed her head from the back of the fridge and said, "I bought _Halo Reach_, _Fallout: New Vegas _and _Left 4 Dead _yesterday."

"You do know that most landlords don't accept game time as aform of rent payment, right?" Mike asked as he broke the Smash Ball and sent a flurry of fireballs at Matt.

"I know," Elle replied as she leaned against the fridge door. "Thankfully I have roommates that get plastered every weekend so I can just steal their blood and organs and sell it on the internet." Elle stuck her head back into the fridge. "So, you got any food in here or what?"

"Sorry, we ate out last night," Mike replied.

"If you like, I could cook you something," Matt said.

"Wait," Mike paused the game once more. "Really?"

"Sure."

"Fuck yeah!" Mike and Elle said simultaneously.

ooooo

Matt walked up his front steps hesitantly. Even though he had managed to avoid babysitting his brothers, he now he had a far bigger problem on his hands: his mother. Words could not describe the amount of fear, respect and awe that Janice Rutherford commanded, despite only being as tall as Matt's shoulder. Matt paused at the front door so he could ready himself for anything that his mother could throw at him.

"I'm back," Matt called out as he opened the door.

"Matthew Tavish Rutherford, where have you been?" his mother called out from the living room.

His mother approached him, hands on hips with a stern look on her face. Matt gulped, his mother had that look on her face _and _she used his full name, embarrassing middle name included.

"Uh," Matt began, he had practiced his story countless times with Mike and Elle. It still didn't stop him from being nervous though. "I went out for a morning jog, met Mike along the way and I ended up having breakfast as his place."

Matt braced himself mentally, in case his mother didn't buy his story.

"Oh, OK" Janice said. "Next time you do that, give me a call, okay?"

"Uh," Matt was surprised his mother bought his story, normally she could smell any lie Matt was telling from a mile off. "OK."

"Where are Nate and Micah?" Matt asked as he approached the kitchen to get a glass of water. "Where's Dad?"

"Oh, I dropped them off at Shaunie's place before I went into the office this morning. I went to go pick them up fifteen minutes ago, but they didn't want to leave just yet."

Matt opened the cupboard and took out a clean glass before holding it under the faucet.

"OK, so where's Dad?" Matt turned off the tap and took a quick gulp.

"Your father is off playing _Halo _with Mark," Janice said with a hint of annoyance.

Matt could relate to his mother's displeasure. Ever since that workmate of his had gotten his father hooked on _Halo_, Ewan Rutherford had been spending longer and longer at his friend's place and less time at home.

"So, what did you boys get up to?" Janice asked.

"Uh, not much," Matt said before he finished off his water. "We played some Super Smash Brothers, Mike's sister came over."

"Oh, how is Ellen these days?" Janice asked, "I haven't heard from her for so long."

"Still starving," Matt said as he gave his cup a quick once over with the sponge. "But that is the life of an artist I suppose."

"Well I hope she catches a break soon, God knows she's earned it."

"Oh yeah. Apparently she's trying to get her work showcased."

"How's that going?"

"Not well."

"Too bad. Well, I hope she succeeds."

"Yeah, I hope so too. Anyway, I made some Mongolian Hot Pot for breakfast afterwards."

Janice licked her lips.

"Will you be cooking it tonight?" Janice asked hopefully.

"Doubt it," Matt said, "I've got football practice in the afternoon and I doubt I'll be in any condition to pick up a spatula, let alone cook."

"Aw," Janice said disappointedly. "I forgot about that."

"Don't worry, I'll cook Hot Pot tomorrow night."

Janice visibly brightened.

"Yay," she said, giving a quick clap, almost like an excited six year old.

"Well I'm off to get in some game time before Dad gets home and steals the thing away from me." Matt made his way to the living room. He got to his knees and pulled out the Xbox from the T.V. cabinet before hooking it up to their wide-screen television. Matt rummaged through his collection of games before deciding to play _Left 4 Dead_. Matt inserted the disk before grabbing his headset and sitting down on the couch.

"Mind if I sit?" Janice asked. "Go ahead." Janice sat down beside him and opened the book she had in her hands. Matt tilted his head to see the title.

"_The Road_," Matt said, "is it any good?"

"I like it," his mother said plainly, not looking up from the book. "It's about a post-apocalyptic world inhabited by cannibals."

"Uh, should I be worried?"

Janice laughed, but said nothing. Once the game finished loading Matt quickly set up for some online zombies versus humans gaming. However, Matt was soon reminded why he didn't like online play very much.

"You fucking fag!" a particularly disgruntled teenager screamed through Matt's headset. "You're the fucking Tank, you should've had that one!"

"I'm sorry," Matt replied calmly, "but I can't win on my own, you guys have to help me."

That comment earned some particularly nasty insults that were directed specifically at Matt's mother. Matt was glad that he was wearing the headset, because some of the insults being thrown around would have made George Carlin's entire career seem tame in comparison.

"You do realise that kid is screaming so loudly that I can actually hear everything he's saying, right?" Janice asked, her eyes not leaving her book.

"Uh..."

"Aren't you going to say something back?" his mother asked.

"Are you listening to me?" the kid on the other end of the headset screeched.

"No," Matt replied, fed up with the kid on the other end.

The kid wasn't happy with Matt's response, he threw another volley of insults about Matt's mother.

"That kid needs to expand his repertoire of insults, he's repeating himself," Janice said, her voice remaining perfectly level.

"You know what," Matt said firmly, "fuck this and fuck you."

With that Matt quit the game and went to shut of the machine.

"Watch your mouth young man," Janice said without looking up from her book.

"I can't believe you're so calm," Matt said, slumping down on the couch next to his mother. "I mean he said some nasty shit about you."

"Language," Janice said as she continued to read. "And when you're as old as I am you learn how to ignore people like that."

"Oh yeah, I suppose half a century of life will do that."

That comment earned a response from Janice. She smacked Matt on the back of the head with the thick, hardcover novel. It hurt.

ooooo

"Matt!" Puck called out, "Mike! Get your shit ready. We've got work to do."

Matt closed his locker and gave Mike a puzzled look who only shrugged in response. Puck had been acting strangely ever since Matt had told him that chicks didn't have prostates in Biology on Thursday. Picking up his duffel bag, Matt followed Puck to his car with Mike following close behind. Waiting in the parking lot were Puck's usual cronies, who were wearing the same puzzled expression Matt and Mike were wearing.

"Alright, you guys know where the convention centre is?" Puck asked. The crowed gave a general murmur of confirmation. "Good, 'cause I just got word that Finn isn't at home looking after his mom. He's over there, watching some faggy glee show," Puck told them. "Now, I'll meet you all at there, at the front door. I got shit I need to pick up first."

With that, Puck left the group and walked over to his car.

"So, what do we do?" Matt asked, turning to face Mike.

"I suppose we do what he told us. Not much else we can do." The two of then walked to Mike's car, a dodgy, beat up old sedan that would occasionally break down and force both Mike and Matt to push it in order for it to gain the momentum it needed to get started.

"Alright," Mike said as he slid the key into the ignition. "Lets hope she starts up."

Mike started the engine. The car coughed, spluttered and hacked up half of its transmission fluid but eventually, after several failed attempts, the car started.

"Any of you want a lift?" Mike called out to the remaining jocks who were still milling around in the parking lot.

"No thanks," one of them called out.

"Suit yourself," Mike said with a shrug.

Matt chuckled before he hopped in the passenger side. Mike pulled out of the parking lot and turned into the main road.

"You know where you're going, right?" Matt asked.

A confident nod from Mike was his response.

After a series of wrong turns and going around in circles for at least five minutes, Mike and Matt finally made it to the convention centre.

"Knew where you were going, right," Matt said, drawing out the last word in a sarcastic manner as Mike backed in to a parking space.

Mike responded by flipping Matt off.

The two of them rushed to the front door where Puck and the rest of the jocks were waiting. Matt noticed that they were all holding paintball guns.

"What took so long?" Puck asked.

"Got lost," Matt replied plainly.

"Whatever," Puck replied dismissively, "here." He held out a paintball gun.

Matt and Mike exchanged confounded looks.

"Uh..." Mike said as he took the paintball gun from Puck. "Where did you get this?"

"_Top Gun_," Matt said, reading the name engraved in the gas canister. "You stole this from the paintball place."

"Might I ask how you managed to smuggle this thing out of there?"

Puck ignored Mike's question and picked up another paintball gun that was lying at his feet. He handed it to Matt, who took it rather hesitantly. Matt was about to ask what was going on when Finn walked around the corner.

"Chicks don't _have _prostates," Puck announced, "I looked it up."

The way Finn's face fell when Puck said those words answered Matt's question.

"You broke the rules, man," Puck said, "and for that, you must be punished."

Matt exchanged glances with Mike before lifting the paintball gun and closing in on Finn with the others.

"Wait, you don't have to do this. You have the power here!" Finn pleaded.

Matt and Mike exchanged frowns. They were stuck in a no-win situation. Matt didn't want to hit Finn with an entire clip of paintballs, but if he refused to do it then Puck and his cronies would then open fire on him as well. Matt was seething on the inside. He was constantly inflicting these cruel punishments on these kids who's only crime was doing something that the popular kids didn't like. However, what made it worse was the fact that he was far too cowardly to do anything about it.

Matt opened fire with the others, pelting Finn with paintballs at point blank range. Matt winced. He knew how painful it was to be shot by paintballs at such a close range. After their clips had been unloaded Puck led the group to his car where they placed the guns in his trunk.

"Now what?" one of the jocks asked.

"We don't know about you but Mike and I have to go now. That science experiment won't do itself."

"Yeah, science experiment."

Without waiting for a reply, Matt and Mike made haste towards Mike's car. On their way to the parking lot, they passed Finn, who was being tended to by the kids in glee club. The two of them made eye contact, Matt saw the briefest flash of betrayal before he broke eye contact. Matt then tried to look as inconspicuous as possible so the glee kids wouldn't notice him. He wanted to avoid a scene, and from the way Mike avoided looking in their general direction, so did he. The two of them made it to the car without any incidents and got out of there as fast as possible, which still wasn't very fast because Mike's car refused to go over twenty- five miles an hour without completely dying.

The two of them sat in silence. Matt tried to start up a conversation. However Mike would only nod and say "yeah" in a distracted tone.

"You know, I'm not gay, but sometimes I look at my penis and think 'yeah, that looks pretty good'," Matt said in an attempt to get a response out of Mike.

"Yeah,"

Matt was worried now. He had hoped that Mike would counter with his traditional sarcastic one-liner. But instead he got nothing.

"Seriously dude," Matt said. "Are you OK?

"Yeah,"

"Really? Because you just refuse to respond, I mean, I just gave you some of my best material and all I got was 'yeah'."

"You wanna go to the arcade and play DDR?"

Matt was still concerned about Mike's behaviour, but at least he got more than a one word response this time. He also figured if Mike didn't want to talk about what was going on in his head, then he should leave it alone.

"Sure."

* * *

Remember, review. It might make me update faster. Or you could just hit alt+F4, that works as well.

(Don't hit alt+F4, it'll shut your computer down. It was supposed to be a joke.)


	5. And You Whistled For A Baboon

Well, I've updated again. So what's been happening in the world of _Glee_ recently?

Mike Chang sang. I thought it was pretty funny, especially his dance moves.

Brittany is going out with Artie. Didn't see that one coming.

The void in my heart that appeared when Matt left still hasn't been filled.

OK, so here's the new chapter. I encourage all of you to review, I'll never get better unless you do.

Another note, all you coffee lovers out there, be on the lookout for something called Hokkaido (sp?) coffee. It is one of the best coffees I have ever had, but I don't think it's taken off in the west just yet, so there will be some difficulty in finding it. However, I assure you, the effort will be worth it (in my opinion anyway).

* * *

"Open your mouth wider!"

"Try aiming next time!"

Mike reached for another marshmallow from the bag beside him and tossed it towards Elle's open mouth. The marshmallow fell short of its mark and landed on the carpet already littered with the evidence of his previous failed attempts. Reaching for another one, Mike carefully adjusted his aim and tossed the marshmallow lightly. The puffy sweet made a graceful arc in the air before landing in Elle's mouth.

"How many's that?" Mike asked.

Elle held up three fingers.

"Wow," Mike said as he looked at the numerous marshmallows that covered the carpet. "I suck at this."

"No arguments here," Elle said.

Mike responded by raising his middle finger at Elle who ignored the gesture altogether.

"So, Mike," Elle said as she picked up a marshmallow that was lying on the floor. "You still dancing?"

"Get with the program, Elle," Mike replied with forced joviality. Thankfully, Elle wasn't very observant, so she didn't notice. "I gave that shit up nearly three years ago."

"Shame, you were really good."

Mike said nothing. The day he was introduced to the school hierarchy was the day he realised that dancing was out of the question if he wanted to get through high school unscathed. At first Mike was adamant that he could withstand the punishment the popular kids could dish out. That all changed when he witnessed his first slushie. Now all of his dancing was restricted to his bedroom, which was locked tighter than Fort Knox simply so that no one would ever find out about it.

"You OK, Mikey?" Elle asked, "you seem kinda morose."

"Morose?" Mike asked in an amused tone, in an attempt to change the topic. "Did you eat a thesaurus or something?"

"That was almost lame enough to be funny."

"I'm sorry that my response didn't meet your standards," Mike said, his words almost drowning in sarcasm. "The first thing I shall do this afternoon is carefully construct a list of comebacks for each and every one of your quips. I will ensure that each sentence contains the appropriate amount of wit and irony, so that the next time we converse, all of my responses will be to your standards. For that is how much your opinion matters to me."

"Do I detect sarcasm?"

"Perish the though."

Elle gave a small chuckle before changing the topic abruptly. "Oh, I just remembered something really funny that happened to me at the coffee shop the other day."

"Really?" Mike asked. "Do tell."

"A woman wanted a hot blended mocha," Elle said. "Now, blended mochas are made with ice, so I tell her that I can't make a hot blended mocha. But no matter how many times I tell her that heating a blended drink would negate the blending effect, she still demanded that I make her a hot blended mocha."

"So what did you do?"

"I made her a regular mocha."

Mike laughed. "That's nothing," he said as he popped a marshmallow into his mouth, "one time, at the cinema, I got a call from this guy. Apparently he wanted me to cancel the ticket that his daughter hadn't bought yet."

Elle gave Mike an incredulous look.

"That's not the kicker. The kicker is when he told me that the reason he wanted me to cancel the ticket was because some dude was taking his daughter to my cinema."

"So?"

"I'm not finished. Now the father wasn't worried that this dude was some kinda sleaze, or a psycho murderer, or bunny boiler. No, he wanted me to cancel the ticket because, and I quote: 'you don't understand- he's a Democrat'."

"Eh, not bad. But I got a better one."

Elle and Mike continued to try to outdo each other with their customer service stories. Elle eventually won with her story about the woman who overheard a bunch of high school kids saying "the cake is a lie" and thought that the coffee shop was actually lying about the cake they served.

"And, get this, right," Elle said, periodically giggling between words. "When I told her that the phrase was from the internet, she told me to write the internet a letter so it would stop spreading such scandalous lies that hurt small business owners around the world."

"Wow," Mike said, completely gobsmacked at the complete stupidity of that customer.

A loud yawn from behind the couch cut their conversation short. Mike turned around to see his mother shuffling across the carpet like a zombie. Mei Wang was a lot like Mike in many aspects, the main similarity being that neither of them could function without their morning coffee. However, unlike Mike, she much preferred to drink that tinned Nescafe crap while Mike refused to drink anything that wasn't imported directly from Peru. Mike watched as his mother pulled the jug out of the coffee maker and poured herself a mug of coffee.

"Morning all," a voice said from across the living room.

Mike turned around again to see his father, dressed in a full business suit, ready for the day. Mike's father was a freak of nature. Unlike the rest of the world, Jonathan Chang was full of energy the moment he stepped out of bed and needed no stimulants to keep him going through the day. Mike was sure his father was a closet coke addict or something. It was the only explanation for the amount of energy that man could harness in the mornings.

Mei gave an indecipherable mumble in response to her husband before taking another sip of coffee.

"Hey Dad," Elle replied before popping another marshmallow in her mouth.

"You two are going to clean all this up, right?" Jonathan asked.

"Working on it," Elle said as she picked up another marshmallow.

"Anyway, can't stay Greg needs me in early today." Jonathan quickly moved to the kitchen to give Mei a quick kiss on the cheek. "Have a nice day honey."

Mei responded with another indecipherable mumble. Mike wasn't even sure if his mother was capable of any higher brain function at that moment.

"You too, kids,"

"Yeah," Mike and Elle replied simultaneously.

Once Jonathan left, the house fell into silence. It was only broken by the sound of Mei taking a sip of her hot coffee bean juice. Mike watched as Elle amused herself by balancing a marshmallow on her nose. She reminded Mike of the circus seals.

"Your father left already?" Mei asked, finally awakening from her stupor.

"Yeah," Mike replied.

"OK," Mei said before walking to her bedroom.

Mike checked the clock. It read eight o'clock. "Come on," he said to Elle. "Let's clean this up. Then I'll give you a lift to work."

ooooo

Mike pulled in beside Matt's house and beeped the horn twice. It was his turn to drive the two of them to school today.

"You fucked any hot chicks recently?" Elle asked suddenly.

"Uh…" Mike said, he really wasn't comfortable with discussing his sex life with his older sister.

Elle laughed before slapping Mike playfully on his shoulder.

"I'll take that as a no," she said.

Mike was about to respond with a story about how he screwed Santana Lopez in the locker rooms after the football game last week, but then he realised that Elle was at that game. Before Mike could fabricate another story, a knock at the window interrupted their conversation; Matt was standing outside, waiting to be let in.

Mike turned to Elle and asked, "Could you unlock the door?"

Elle reached behind her pulled the little knob up. Matt opened the rear door and got in.

"Hey," he said.

"Yo," Mike responded.

Mike started his car up. The engine responded with a series of sickly coughs.

"Come on," Mike snarled under his breath, "don't die on me."

After one final, pathetic wheeze, Mike's car completely died.

Mike scowled and said, "Matt, looks like you're driving us today."

"Again?" Matt asked, "dude, seriously, why haven't you gotten a new car yet? Wait, let me guess, you're saving up for an Armani suit, right?"

"Dolce and Gabbana, actually," Mike said as he stepped out of the car. "And please, no more gay jokes."

"Damn," Matt said, "I had a real gem picked out, the punchline would have been 'and you whistled for a baboon'."

"I hate to interrupt, but I should get going now if I want to get to work on time," Elle said.

"Oh, God, I'm sorry," Matt said. "Lets get going."

Matt quickly fished his keys out of his pocket before picking out the one that opened the garage door. He walked up to the garage door and unlocked it. Sitting side by side were Matt's old sedan and the minivan that brought back memories of being driven to football practice when Mike and Matt were younger.

"Your parents still here?" Mike asked.

"No, they both left for work," Matt replied as he unlocked his car.

"So why's the minivan still here?"

"Neither of them wants to drive to work in that thing," Matt crawled across the seats and lifted the little knob on the passenger side door. "I mean, if they think it's so humiliating to drive the minivan to work, then why did they buy it?"

"Because Micah and Nate need to be separated in the car. Remember what happened when I took them to football practice in your car?"

Mike immediately recognised that thick Scottish accent. Standing in the driveway was Ewan Rutherford, his brow soaked in sweat. Mike still couldn't get over the fact that Matt's father was a big black man who spoke with a Scottish accent. Even after eleven years, hearing Ewan Rutherford speak was still incredibly jarring.

"Missed your bus?" Matt asked, leaning against his car door.

"Yeah," Ewan replied as he wiped the sweat off his forehead.

"Looks like you'll be driving the minivan to work, Dad."

"I'll pay you two hundred dollars if you let me drive your car to work."

"No deal, the guys would kill me if I drove that _thing_ to school."

"But the guys will kill _me_ if I drive that thing to work."

"Aw," Matt said as he pretended to play a violin. "Wait a sec, I downloaded an app on my phone just for this occasion."

Mike and Elle exchanged amused expressions as Matt rummaged around in his pocket, trying to find his phone. Once he had it out, Matt pressed the touch screen and a sad violin tune started playing out of the speakers. While the tune was playing, Matt pretended to rub a tear from the corner of his eye.

"OK, OK, I get it," Ewan said.

A satisfied expression spread across Matt's face as he stowed his phone away.

"Come on," Matt said, "or we'll be late."

"I call shotgun," Elle said as she darted to the car.

"Hey, no fair!" Mike said, "we need to settle this properly."

"Are you proposing the shotgun game?" Elle asked.

"Yes," Mike said, "I propose the shotgun game. And if I had my duelling glove with me, I'd slap you with it."

"What's the shotgun game?" Ewan asked.

Mike explained the mechanics of the shotgun game to Ewan. When two people invoke shotgun on the same car, they must pull down their pants and race to the car. Underwear must stay on or the offending participant would be disqualified.

"I don't think we have time for that," Matt said, checking his watch.

"Oh, fine," Mike pouted.

"Thanks, Mike," Elle said as she got in the car. "Just for that, I'll get you two some coffee, on the house."

"Hells yeah," Matt said as he started the car. He then wound down the window and said, "catch you later Dad."

"Bye, bye Mr. Rutherford," Elle said, giving Ewan a small wave.

"Yeah, see you later, Ewan," Mike said before he slammed the door shut. "I'll be around this afternoon to pick up my crapbox."

"See you guys later," Ewan said as he hopped in to the minivan, "and for the last time Elle, call me Ewan, 'Mr. Rutherford' makes me feel old."

"But you are old," Matt said with a smirk.

Ewan shot Matt a look so venomous, it almost felt tangible.

"Bye, Dad," Matt said as he drove out of the garage.

ooooo

"So," Mike said, leaning against the lockers, sipping the latte that Elle had gotten for him, "how's shit?"

"Oh same old, same old," Matt replied airily, "I've been branching out into different cuisines. No longer will I be bound by the bland flavours of Italian and Chinese."

"What have you branched into?" Mike asked before he took another sip.

"Thai," Matt said as he reached for his latte that he had placed on top of the lockers.

"You're really pushing your boundaries there, dude," Mike took a sip of his mocha, "that's like a whole half a continent away from China."

"Ha, ha."

"Oh yeah, speaking of cooking, Mom told me to ask you when you'd be coming over to cook for us."

"Soon," Matt said with a chuckle.

"How soon?"

Matt laughed before he shrugged in response. Matt shut his locker and the two of them made their way to Spanish class. On the way there, Matt told Mike some hospital horror stories that his cousin Izzy had passed on to him. "Apparently, doctors who have a morphine habit inject that stuff into their eyeballs so they don't leave behind any track marks."

Mike shuddered at the thought. Needless to say, he wouldn't be sleeping for a good week.

"Seriously?"

"I dunno, Izzy's still in med school, so I don't know how accurate this info is."

"Lovely…"

The two of them squeezed past Tina and Artie in order to get to their usual spots. Immediately after they sat down, Mr. Schuester bounded into the classroom. Mike was sure Mr. Schuester was a closet coke addict as well. People should not be that energetic in the mornings.

"OK class," he said, "time for some irregular verbs."

Mike groaned. Spanish was never his strong point. He just couldn't understand the language, especially the concept of vowel raising. When he first came across it, Mike actually thought he had to raise his voice in order to pronounce the word properly. Mr. Schuester started to scrawl today's lesson on the board. Mike squinted, not only did he find the language utterly incomprehensible, he also had to deal with the difficulty of reading Mr. Shuester's chicken scratch. Leaning over to one side, Mike quickly scribbled down what Matt had written in his notebook.

"I get the feeling that I wasn't meant to learn this language," Mike said, squinting to read Matt's tiny handwriting. "What's that word mean?"

"Por favour?" Matt replied. "Yeah, you really do suck at Spanish."

"Yeah, we've already agreed on that fact, but what does that word mean?"

"Please."

Mike didn't fare any better for the remainder of the lesson. Every five minutes he would be forced to ask Matt for help. However, with or without Matt's help, the language still made no sense to Mike and in the end, he simply gave up and started to draw in his book. The drawing continued for the entire lesson and by the time the bell had rung, Mike had drawn a picture of Audrey Tautou.

"Not bad," Matt said, looking at the picture over Mike's shoulder.

"Someday, I'm going to meet the real Audrey Tautou, and we're going to get married."

"Now before you all go off you your next class," Mr Schuester said, "I'd like to remind you all of the pep rally this afternoon. Glee club will be performing a special number."

Memories of Finn's paintballing came flooding back the moment Mr. Schuester mentioned the word "glee". Mike just couldn't help but play that scene over and over again in his head. He thought about how disgusted and ashamed he felt during the incident. However, the one thing he just couldn't get out of his mind was the terror he felt during the drive home. If if any of the other jocks ever caught wind of his dancing, he would be next.

Mike wanted to scream at the top of his lungs over the unfairness of the world. All he wanted to do was dance, but the incident at the convention centre just proved, once more, that dancing will never be cool, no matter how much he wanted it to be. Mike wondered for a moment if Finn was still in glee club, but quickly dismissed the thought. Of course Finn quit the club.

"Anyway, you guys are in for a real treat. We've chosen a real show stopper for you guys. Alright, you're all free to go."

Mike picked up his belongings and crammed them into his bag unceremoniously before waiting for Matt to finish packing up.

"Seriously, dude, it's not a work of art. Hurry up."

When Matt finally placed the last of his books in his bag, the two of them made their way to Calculus, discussing what showstopper Mr. Schuester had chosen. Matt was hoping for a Nightwish track (pre-Annette, of course).

"That woman can't sing half as well as Tarja."

Mike, however, was hoping for something along the lines of AC/DC. Everyone in the school needed a good old fashioned injection of hard rock, especially since Gaga fever had taken ahold of the school. What has the world become when a pop star is treated with more respect than someone like Bon Scott? Everywhere Mike went, someone was either playing Gaga on their phone speakers, or humming the chorus of _Just Dance_ under their breaths. It drove Mike crazy, especially the phone speaker kids (headphones were invented for a reason). Just then, Mike and Matt passed a pair of freshmen boys playing AC/DC on their phones.

"Don't you just hate it when people do that?" Matt asked, "And AC/DC too. Don't these kids have any taste?"

Mike let out a strangled cry of shock. "Blasphemy!"

"I love how seriously you take your eighties rock."

ooooo

"Silence, children, silence," Principal Figgins said.

Mike cut short his conversation about the science of nose picking with Matt and turned his attention to the principal.

"First, an announcement. The toilets are broken again. We are fixing the problem, but let me warn you, there will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds. We're not going to have a repeat of last time."

Matt leaned in close to Mike and whispered, "I don't see what they have against us peeing in the drinking fountain. I mean, it's not like we aim for the fountain bit."

"Did you know that human urine is an excellent source of vitamin B?" Mike asked.

"We have a special treat for you today. Mr. Shuester..."

The only sound in the auditorium came from the waif-like guidance counsellor. Mike could never remember her name.

"Yay Glee! Glee kids hooray!"

"Uh, hi," Mr. Shuester said, "when I went to school here, glee club ruled the place, and we're on our way back. But we need some recruits to join the party. Now I could tell you all how great glee is, but I think I should let a few friends of mine show instead."

The curtain parted, revealing the glee club. A confused expression spread across Mike's face. Finn was with them, though Mike had no doubt that he had quit the club as soon as possible. Perhaps Finn was braver that Mike first thought. Either that or Finn was a closet masochist.

_Get up on this!_

_ Get up on this!_

_ Oooh, baby, baby_

_ Baby, baby_

_ Oooh, baby, baby_

_ Baby, baby_

_ Get up on this!_

_ Ah, push it_

_ Ah, push it_

_ Get up on this!_

_ Salt and Pepa's here!_

_ Now wait a minute, y'all_

_ This dance ain't for everybody_

_ Only the sexy people_

_ So all you fly mothers, get on out there and dance_

_ Dance, I said!_

_ Salt and Pepa's here, and we're in effect_

_ Want you to push it, babe_

_ Coolin' by day then at night working up a sweat_

_ C'mon girls, let's go show the guys that we know_

_ How to become number one in a hot party show_

_ Now push it_

Mike cocked an eyebrow. It looked like the glee club was trying to put on an extremely provocative show, but in Mike's opinion, they were failing dismally. However, regardless of how horrible the show was, Mike couldn't help but watch intently.

_ Ah, push it - push it good_

_ Ah, push it - push it real good_

_ Ah, push it - push it good_

_ Ah, push it - p-push it real good_

_ Hey! Ow!_

_ Push it good!_

_ Oooh, baby, baby_

_ Baby, baby_

_ Oooh, baby, baby_

_ Baby, baby_

_ Push it good_

_ Push it real good_

_ Ah, push it_

_ Ah, push it_

_ Yo, yo, yo, yo, baby-pop_

_ Yeah, you come here, gimme a kiss_

_ Better make it fast or else I'm gonna get pissed_

_ Can't you hear the music's pumpin' hard like I wish you would?_

_ Now push it_

Mike raised an eyebrow and a twinge of pain immediately shot through his forehead. Mike massaged his skin. His doctor had advised against repeated eyebrow cocks. They were starting to do some long term damage. While he rubbed his eyebrow, Mike mused on the scene he just witnessed. Kurt Hummel just slapped Finn on the ass. The guys would never let him live that one down.

_ Push it good_

_ Push it real good_

_ Push it good_

_ P-push it real good_

_ Ah, push it_

_ Get up on this!_

_ Ah, push it_

Mike didn't know how to react. Was he supposed to clap politely? Cheer at the top of his lungs? Or perhaps he was supposed to act indignant? Fortunately, Mike's question was answered by Jacob Ben Israel.

"YES!"

The entire school immediately began cheering at the top of their lungs. Mike joined in. When in Rome, he figured.

"An interesting performance, wasn't it?" Matt asked.

"You could say that," Mike said as he was clapping.

"What did you think of it?"

"Honestly? It was horrible."

"Yeah, I'd have to agree with you there."

"So, yeah, what were we talking about before all of that?"

"The best way to pick your nose."

Mike and Matt continued to debate the best nose picking technique as they made their way to the parking lot, though Mike was only half-heartedly participating in the conversation. Truth be told, after Mike had gotten over the performance, he started to think about Finn. Specifically, Mike thought about how Finn was still in glee club. If Mike were in his position, he would have left the club immediately after he got paintballed. Sooner, if he could have. But Finn didn't quit. He was still there, despite the very real risk of grievous bodily harm from the other jocks. Mike wondered if things were starting change at McKinley. Perhaps social revolution was around the corner, perhaps he would finally be able to dance in public, instead of in his bedroom. Mike rolled his eyes mentally. What was he thinking? The traditions of high school were set in stone, and they would never change.

"Yo, Mike," Matt said, snapping his fingers in front of Mike's eyes. "Come back to me. Stay away from the light. Other Charlton Heston quotes."

"Charlton Heston never said those things," Mike said.

"Where'd you go? You kinda zoned out there."

"I was thinking about Audrey Tautou's ass."

"Oh yeah, she does have a wonderful ass…"

Mike chuckled as Matt started to zone out. Mike quickly snapped his fingers of Matt's eyes.

"You maniacs, you blew it up. Soylent Green is people. From my cold dead hands."

Matt gave Mike a puzzled look.

"Those are Charlton Heston quotes."


	6. Cheer Up Mr Grumpy Pants?

I am really, really sorry for the delayed update. You think you've finished all your assignments, but six more suddenly come at you from nowhere. Anyway, I found this little video on the interblag just recently. It's a video of Harry Shum Jr. singing a duet with an artist called Clara C.

Go to youtube and paste this bit at the end of the address bar.

/watch?v=cDSdFOw5giI&feature=player_embedded

(I'd include the actual link but fanfiction ate it when I was editing this chapter)

Or, just type:

"Clara C (Chung) Wake Up in Neverland Live with Harry Shum Jr The Roxy Theatre - October 8, 2011"

into the search bar.

I have to say though, the audio quality is pretty bad.

Anyway, there is a good chance that I've butchered the pronunciation of the Thai dish Matt is cooking in this chapter. For that I'm sorry. Also, every book Janice recommended to Matt in this chapter, I recommend to you. Especially _Seizure._ Seriously people, check it out, I haven't read anything else like it and my description of it would not do it justice. It's just damn good, damn, damn, good, good. Good.

Anyway, big thanks to my beta, The Imperfectionist. Once again, she is a godsend. This is the last "filler" chapter, so to speak. Matt and Mike don't join glee club until "Preggers" and this chapter deals with "Acafellas". Don't worry, next chapter we'll get some real glee club interaction.

Oh before I go, I also recommend you check out De La Soul as well. They were the guys that performed the rap section of Feel Good Inc. by the Gorillaz. I love them, and if you're sick of mainstream rap, then you might like these guys. Enough plugging now.

* * *

_Tom has a theory that homosexuals and single women in their thirties have natural bonding: both being accustomed to disappointing their parents and being treated as freaks by society._

"So _you_ have my copy of _Bridget Jones's Diary_."

"Dear God!" Matt cried out, nearly dropping the book.

Matt turned to see Janice peering over his shoulder. Matt's stomach immediately fell when he realised that his mother caught him reading chick lit.

"You know," Janice said as she placed the grocery bags she was carrying on the ground, "if you wanted to read it you could have just asked. I would have given the book to you, it was terrible."

"You only hate the book because you're dead inside, " Matt said as he shuffled around on the couch to get comfortable. "Those of us who still believe in true love and soulmates love the book."

"I am not dead inside."

"Yes you are. You didn't cry during _Bambi_, or _The Lion King_, or _E.T._"

"Yeah, you know, last time I checked, it was considered gay for boys to read books like this."

"Shut up!"

Janice laughed. "You're spending too much time with Mike, he's starting to rub off on you." She then bent down to pick up the grocery bags she had put down. "Help me get this stuff to the kitchen. And this holy basil was an absolute pain to find, you better have something good prepared."

"Oh, you're going to love it," Matt said as he got to his feet. "All the fancy Thai restaurants are cooking this."

"What's it called?" Janice asked as she walked into the kitchen.

"I have no idea, the name was unpronounceable, but don't worry, it's really good," Matt said as he followed his mother.

Janice placed the bags on the counter and picked up a head of lettuce and handed it to Matt to place in the fridge, "OK, the kitchen is yours tonight, just try to keep the fire damage to a minimum."

Matt gave his mother an "are you serious?" look that would have given Mike a run for his money. Asking for minimal fire damage when Matt was cooking was like asking for the sun to stop rising.

"Yeah, you're right," Janice said, sensing the futility of her words. "Better go see if the insurance policy is up do date. Finish up here, will you, Sweetie?"

Matt watched his mother walk into the living room where she slumped down on the couch and picked up the phone. Crouching down to the grocery bags, Matt rummaged through them to find the holy basil. He carefully inspected each individual sprig to see if any of them had gone rotten or had been gnawed on by insects. Matt frowned, his inspection had revealed that several of the sprigs had gone rotten and that one of them had been chewed on by insects so thoroughly that all that remained was the stalk.

"Next time," Matt called out as he tossed out the bad sprigs, "could you make sure the bunch is fresh?"

"If you don't like it then you drive half way across town to the Thai district to find them."

"We have a Thai district?"

"Yeah."

Matt placed the few good sprigs in the vegetable crisper before he unpacked the rest of the groceries. Just as he put the last of the eggs in the holder Matt's phone started vibrating in his pocket. Matt quickly fished the device out and checked the screen. It was a text from Siobhan. Matt had met her thee days ago while he was in line at the grocery store, and, despite all of Mike's predictions, Matt's declaration of love hadn't put the girl off.

_ hey there im free tuesday_

Matt texted a response.

_Great, see you then._

He now had a date with a hot Irish chick.

"Hey, sweetie," Janice called out from the living room. "I just remembered that your father and I have that PTA meeting tonight, could watch your brothers?"

Matt's blood ran cold. He racked his brain for an excuse to get out of babysitting.

"And before you say anything, I know for a fact that you don't have an assignment with Mike you need to finish. Mei told me so."

Matt swore under his breath.

"I heard that, watch your mouth."

"How did you hear me?" Matt asked.

"I don't listen to heavy metal turned up to full volume every day."

"Fine, I'll look after Nate and Micah," Matt said begrudgingly.

"Good," Janice said with a smile, "now, our insurance is up to date so feel free to go nuts in the kitchen, but I swear to God, don't even think of serving us tofu again."

"What's wrong with tofu? Tofu is great, it's nutritious, inexpensive, it works with everything! "

"OK, OK," Janice said with a chuckle, "tofu is great, serve as much as you want."

"Well, you're in luck, Mother, the dish I'm making tonight doesn't have tofu," Matt huffed.

Janice laughed.

"You're just so adorable when you pout."

Matt said nothing.

"Aw, cheer up, Mr. Grumpy Pants."

"'Cheer up Mr. Grumpy Pants'?"

Janice laughed once more.

"So how was school today, Darling?"

The very mention of school instantly reminded Matt of the numerous assignments he had. Specifically, he was reminded of the English presentation he had to make in a few days.

"Hey, Mom," Matt called out.

"If you're going to talk to me, come into the living room, don't shout from the kitchen like a caveman."

Matt rolled his eyes at his mother's terrible analogy, he figured that wordplay would be her second language, since she voraciously devoured a five-hundred page novel every weekend.

"So," Matt said, as he walked into the living room."I've got this speech I need to make in a few days."

"So?"

"I need you to write me a note that says I have this psychological disorder that makes me painfully evacuate all the contents of my bowels whenever I make a speech." Matt slumped down on the couch, next to his mother. "You're a shrink, they'll believe you."

"OK, first of all, Sweetie, I'm a psychologist, not a psychiatrist, and secondly you ask me this every time you need to make a speech, and by this time you should already know my answer."

"So, it's a no?" Matt asked.

"Yes," his mother said. "Because as you know, that's lying, and that is bad."

"So I take it that you're not going to protect me from public humiliation that will damage my self esteem permanently and thus prevent me from ever talking to women and, as a result, preventing you from ever having grand kids?"

"You do realise you have brothers, right?" Janice asked. "I have two backups in case you fail at producing grand kids for me."

"You were never this horrible to me before," Matt said. "You know who I blame for this? Mei. She's such a bad influence on you."

"I could say the same thing about Mike," Janice quipped. "Seriously, Helen Fielding? You never read such trash before you met Mike."

"I was reading Dr. Seuss when I met Mike, you can hardly call that cerebral."

"Yes, but when you met Mike, you stopped reading Dr. Seuss and started reading stuff like _Go, Dog, Go_. I consider that a huge step back."

"There's no pleasing you is there?" Matt asked. "You won't be happy until I'm reading at least a six-hundred page doorstop every month."

"God no," Janice said, "those books are nothing but filler, seriously, have you read _The Wheel of Time_ series?"

"Jesus H. Christ, why don't you just write up a list of pre-approved reading materials? I mean, Mike's already doing that with my conversation topics."

"Great!" Janice said excitedly before leaping to her feet and then bolting up the stairs.

In under a minute Janice came bolting back down the stairs again carrying a page, ripped out of a notebook. Janice handed the page to Matt before sitting down again.

Matt glanced at the page. Written in big, block letters at the top was one word.

"_Seizure_," Matt said.

"Brilliant book," Janice said, "I still have absolutely no idea what the plot was about, but it's written so well that you just don't care."

Looking down the list, Matt saw a few titles he recognized and a few he didn't. "_A Bus Could Run You Over, 48 Shades of Brown_, _Discworld._"

"Don't read the first two books, they were horrible, start from _Equal Rites_."

"How long is this list?" Matt asked as he scanned the page. The list spread across both the front and the back of the page. "Did you have this already written out?"

"Yeah," Janice replied, as if having a two page long list of recommended reading was perfectly natural.

"OK, whatever, I'll get started on these books later."

"Not later," Janice said sternly, "now."

"But-"

"Read, mister," Janice said authoritatively. "No son of mine will go through life not knowing all forty-eight shades of brown off by heart.

"Alright, alright," Matt said, holding his hands up in mock surrender. "Where are all the books?"

"My room, on the bookshelf, it's arranged alphabetically."

ooooo

If there was one thing Janice Rutherford knew, it was books. Several hours had passed since Matt started on the first book on his mother's recommended reading list and he hadn't put the book down once.

Matt felt a tug at his sleeve.

"Matt, we're hungry, make us something to eat."

Matt raised his head and the sight that greeted him caused him to drop the book in shock.

"Why is half the pantry all over the coffee table?" Matt demanded.

"We were trying to make potions, like in _Harry Potter,_" Micah replied.

"Why is there mud on the carpet?"

"We were playing outside."

"Did you steal Mr. Smith's chicken, again?"

Dolly slowly walked into the living room, pecking at the assorted grains that were scattered all over the floor.

"Oh, Jesus," Matt said as he leaped to pick the chicken up. "Don't you morons know anything? You can't feed rice to birds, it expands in their stomachs and they explode!"

Micah kicked at the carpet sheepishly.

"We're sorry."

"Whatever, I'm going to go return Dolly, don't do _anything_ until I get back."

With Dolly in his hands, Matt made his way to Mr. Smith's house next door. He was surprised that Dolly hadn't struggled once since Matt picked her up, he figured Mr. Smith must have trained her well.

Reaching his destination, Matt quickly rapped his knuckles against the door. The aging face of Mr. Smith peered through a crack before he opened the door completely. Matt always thought that Mr. Smith looked like Timothy Dalton, half the women in the street agreed.

"Oh, hello, Matthew," Mr. Smith said. "Did your brothers want to play with Dolly again?"

"Yeah," Matt said sheepishly as he handed the chicken over. "I'm really, really sorry."

"Don't worry, Matthew, so long as Dolly wasn't hurt."

"About that, you might want to pump her stomach or something, she ate some rice and I hear that birds explode when you feed them rice."

"Oh, that's just a myth, don't you worry."

"OK, I've got to head back, have to make sure the twins haven't kidnapped the lion from the zoo."

Mr. Smith chuckled. "Alright then, Matthew, I'll see you later, and tell your brothers that if they want to play with Dolly, they just have to ask."

"Thank you for being so understanding, Mr. Smith."

Matt gave Mr. Smith one last wave before making his way back to his place.

"You two had better not have kidnapped the lion from the zoo while I was out." Matt called out as he opened the front door.

"Matt," came the high pitched whine of Micah, "we're hungry."

"Alright, alright, but you two have to clean up the living room, otherwise, I won't cook, and then Dad will have to cook when he gets back."

The sounds of his brothers scrambling frantically to clean the living room echoed throughout the house. Matt indulged in a satisfied smile before making his way into the kitchen.

"Alright, I'll make some Thai tonight, how does that sound?"

"Yeah!" he hear Nate shout enthusiastically from the living room.

Matt turned on the faucet, squirted some anti-bacterial hand wash into his palms and washed his hands. He then reached for his favourite flowery pink apron and put it on.

"Hey, we're back," Janice called out from the front door.

"Just in time," Matt said as he placed the last plate on the dinner table. "Dinner's ready, you ready to get your Thai on?"

"My tie?" he heard his mother ask quizzically.

"No, _Thai_, as in the country."

"Oh, right,"

Janice entered the dining room and took a quick whiff of the food that was placed on the table.

"Smells great," he said.

"Did you expect any less from me?"

"Did I hear right?" Ewan asked as he hurried into the dining room, "you made Thai?"

"Yeah," Matt took a quick glance at his palm, he had written the name of the dish on it. The word read _phat kraphao._ "_Fat-crap-how_? That can't be right…"

"Whatever you want to call it, it looks great," Ewan said as he reached for a plate.

Matt quickly, but gently, rapped his father on the knuckles with his wooden serving spoon.

"Wash your hands first," Matt ordered, "you too, Mom."

"Alright, alright," Ewan said with a chuckle, making his way into the kitchen.

"You know, normally children don't get to order their parents around," Janice said.

"If you don't like it, then I can stop cooking altogether," Matt snapped.

"OK, I'm sorry," Janice said quickly.

"Good," Matt said with a smile, "go wash your hands or your dinner is going to get cold."

Matt placed the last of the cutlery onto the dinner table before calling out to his younger brothers to come to dinner.

"The living room had better be spotless as well!" Matt added.

Nate and Micah quickie ran into the dining room and claimed two seats next to each other with great haste. Nate reached out eagerly to take a plate from the stack Matt had placed in the middle of the table but Matt quickly intercepted him and gave Nate a quick rap on the knuckles with his serving spoon.

"Wash your hands," Matt ordered, "you too Micah."

Grumbling, the twins got off their seats and went into the kitchen, just as Ewan and Janice came out of the kitchen.

"God, you're so anal about hand washing," Janice said.

Matt picked up a plate, scooped up a huge serving of rice from the large bowl and plopped it on the plate. "It's proper manners to wash your hands before meals." Matt handed the plate to his mother.

Janice was about to take the plate from Matt when she paused to inspect Matt's serving spoon.

"What have you got written there?" Janice said, reading the engraving. _"Vera_... you named your serving spoon 'Vera'?_"_

"Yeah," Matt said, "are you going to take the plate or not?

"Really?" Ewan asked.

Janice nodded as she took the plate. "Yeah, says right at the base, _Vera_."

"Matt, I didn't want to say anything before, but I really think you should have a session with your mother," Ewan said, "frankly, I've seen the way you, ah, _fondle_, your cutlery. And now you're giving them names? We're worried."

"What are you guys talking about?" Micah asked as he and Nate wandered back into the dining room.

"Don't you worry your little heads over that," Ewan said as he gave Micah a quick pat on the head. "But seriously, Matt, consider a session with your mother."

Matt rolled his eyes before handing the plate of rice to his mother before scooping out servings for the rest of his family. He then picked up a smaller spoon and started scooping minced pork onto their plates.

"So what did everyone get up to today?" Janice asked.

"The twins trashed the living room, _again_," Matt said as he scooped a serving of rice for himself. "They also stole, Mr. Smith's chicken again."

"What?" Ewan asked, alarmed.

"I got them to clean it up, obviously, and I returned Dolly. Those two are lucky Mr. Smith was so understanding."

"I'll say," Ewan said, "that man is a saint."

"A very good looking saint," Janice added.

Ewan raised his eyebrow and said, "look, if you two are planning to elope, I'd much rather you just come clean, remove the band-aid quickly, so to speak."

"Oh, I won't do that, Alistair's retired, I'd have to support him on my own, and I really don't want to do that."

"I'm so glad you feel that way, because now I don't feel so bad telling you that I'm with you only because of your inheritance, I could have done much better than you." Ewan said with a smile.

"Ooh, the kitty has claws," Janice said with a playful smirk.

Matt cleared his throat loudly, before the conversation degenerated into something that wasn't so family friendly.

"By the way, You're both grounded for the next month." Ewan added casually.

That announcement elicited a simultaneous groan from the twins.

"Anything else interesting happen to anyone else?" Ewan asked.

"I nearly burned down the house again," Matt said.

"We said interesting, Matt," Janice said.

"Oh, fine," Matt said indignantly.

Dinner finished quickly. Aside from the twins trashing the living room and stealing a chicken, nothing of interest happened.

"OK, I'll wash up," Janice said. "Thanks for the meal, Matt."

"No worries," Matt said. "Now I have to go do my History assignment."

Matt stood up and retired to his bedroom where he would hopefully start on his History assignment.

"Alright," Matt said as he sat down at his computer. "Lets get this shit done!"

Matt pulled up his web browser and started Googling the Ancient Gauls. However, it wasn't long before Matt found himself on YouTube looking up new music to add to his collection.

"De La Soul," Matt said, reading the name of the artist he was currently listening to.

_Greetings, girl, and welcome to my world of _

_ phrase_

_ I'm right up to bat_

_ It's a Daisy Age and you're about to walk_

_ top-stage_

_ So wipe your Lottos on the mat_

_ Hip-hop love this is and don't mind when I quiz_

_ your_

_ Involvements before the sun_

_ But clear your court 'cause this is a one-man_

_ sport_

Matt turned up the speakers, he liked these guys.

_ And who's better for this than Plug One_

_ Now you don't have to worry about me squashin'_

_ other deals_

_ 'Cause they've already been squooshed_

_ Freeze a frame about moods the same which we can_

_ continue_

_ Right behind the bush_

_ You'll stay with me_

_ Eye Know this_

_ But not because of all my earthly treasures_

_ Or regardless to the fact that I'm Posdnuos_

_ But because_

_ (Eye know Eye love you better)_

Matt was suddenly overcome by the urge to dance, He got to his feet and started moving. He had no idea what he was doing, but he really didn't care, he was having too much fun.

_May I cut this dance to introduce myself as_

_ The chosen one to speak_

_ Let me lay my hand across yours_

_ And aim a kiss upon your cheek_

_ The name's Plug Two_

_ And from the soul I bring you_

_ The Daisy of your choice_

_ May it be filled with the pleasure principle_

_ In circumference to my voice_

_ About those other Jenny's I reckoned with_

_ Lost them all like a homework excuse_

_ This time the Magic Number is two_

_ 'Cause it takes two, not three, to seduce_

_ My destiny of love is brought to an apex_

_ Sex is a mere molecule_

_ In this world of love that I have for you_

_ It's true_

_ (Eye know Eye love you better)_

Matt continued to dance, drawing upon all the moves he had learned on YouTube. He popped, he locked and he shook what his mother gave him. Matt had no doubt that he looked like a complete and utter tool, but he was having far too much fun to care and it wasn't like there was watching him.

The song ended and Matt fell on to his bed completely out of breath. Despite the fact it was a relatively mellow song, Matt had expended a surprising amount of energy dancing to it. He let himself rest for a few moments before he got up and tried to continue his History assignment. Needless to say Matt didn't get very far before he found another song on YouTube and was struck by the urge to dance again.


End file.
